Parenting Hellions

I already know about Relations

My middle son, Max, is ten and has Aspergers.  Aspergers is on the Austism Spectrum.  He is very gifted but socially he is TOTALLY IGNORANT.  He has zero tolerance or patience for the slower pace of his peers, or their lack of scientific knowledge or their interest in learning specific topics.  He can’t even.  AT. ALL.

I got a letter from his school notifying me that they’ll be teaching Sex Education this month and if you want to “Opt Out” you have to sign a form and send it in, otherwise your kid is getting Sex Education.  Max is so not having it.  He has a book about Puberty and understands what sex is, but of course he is attending the class.  He is so pissed at me for making him go, but he seemed resigned.  Or so I thought.

I caught him trying to forge my signature so he wouldn’t have to take the class.

Me: What the Actual Fuck Max!  Are you trying to forge my signature?  (Feigning horror and choking on my own giggles)

Max: I don’t want to have to sit with those kids while they learn about RELATIONS!

Me: Its okay to say Sex.

Max: I DON’T WANT TO.  And I don’t want to go to the Relations class.

Me: I’m going to take this paper.  Away.  And you’re going to the class.

Max: Mom!  One of the girls in my class thinks you get pregnant by wishing.  WISHING, MOM.  I don’t want to be there when she finds out that someone, hopefully her Dad, but you never really know do you, it could have been anyone and then the Mom just pretended it was the Dad and then she never knew that her Dad wasn’t her Dad and how would she know unless she got one of those tests where they tell you if you’re related to Ghangis Khan and then she finds out that she is but her Dad isn’t and then her life is RUINED.  But someone put you know what in her Mom’s you know where.  Her vagina, Mom.  The ACT.  She’ll have to picture their genitals and THE ACT.

Me: You can no longer have sugar after 7pm.

Max: Also I should probably skip the Relations lesson.

Me: Nooooooooooooooooo.  You’re going to the class.  You’re going to learn about fucking, and STDs and condoms.

Max: If they start talking about Oral Sex I’m leaving.  I’m leaving.  

Me: How are you supposed to learn it then?

Max: Mom, I have my own laptop, a wifi connection and ten functional fingers.  I think I know how to type “PornHub” into the browser.

Me: Can you teach me how to set up parental controls on your laptop later?

Max: Sure.  Just sign that paper there and we’ll get started.


I’m really looking forward to finding out what his classmate’s reaction to “The Act” was.  I hope he pays really good attention.

I am not required reading! I swear a lot, complain about my three kids, our four cats, my annoying husband, depression, anxiety, chronic health issues. I'm here for the personal mortification stories.