Cats in my Cradle

Cats are inconsiderate Assholes

Cats ARE inconsiderate assholes.  I don’t care if Pawncess Meowser is your faithful lifetime companion and partner, shes still an asshole.

We have four cats.  I DID THIS TO MYSELF.  I’m 100% aware.  Lets not talk about fault just now though, because if I have to admit to some/most/POSSIBLYALL of the blame I’ll feel like I can’t complain.  I really need to complain.

If I’m doing something in a part of the house OTHER than the kitchen, one or more of the cats will jump onto the counter and investigate whatever I’ve left there.  It could be a rusty nail I found in the driveway, as soon as my back is turned they’re like Father Brown with a bloody glove.  Gotta investigate THAT SHIT.

So usually I’ll yell something along the lines of “HERMOINE GRANGER GET THE FUCK OFF MY COUNTERS YOU ARE A DISGRACE TO CATS EVERYWHERE AND ALSO YOU DON’T CLEAN YOURSELF PROPERLY” and she’ll jump down.  If I’m right by the squirt bottle I’ll shoot it in her direction, but there is ALWAYS swearing.  I do nothing without swearing.  Clearly they do not give a fuck that they aren’t supposed to be up there, and now all four assholes do it ALL day long with zero reservations or concern about being caught.  They have a total disregard for my OCD situation and how I’ll be obsessively cloroxing the freaking counter for seventeen minutes after their filthy little feet defiled it.  They don’t like it when I yell though, so now I just randomly yell swearwords from wherever I am in the house ALL DAY LONG.

8:17am  COCKTHISTLE

9:32am  MOTHER OF DONKEY FUCKERS

10:19am COCKFUCKERY

11:32am MOTHERASSBITCHFUCK (no pauses there, thats actually one word.  The more you know and all.)

12;51pm ASSHOLES

And so on.  It works super well, wherever I am in the house I can hear that “Plump!” sound from a cat jumping down from the counter and hitting the wood floor.  I highly encourage all people to adopt this screaming obscenities schedule.  Its very cathartic.  Its slightly problematic when your postman rings the doorbell, or when you’ve forgotten the time and your eight year old walks in and asks “Who is the Mother of Donkey Fuckers and why are you mad at her?”

 

Below is one of the Assholes today.  LURKING.  THEY’RE ALWAYS LURKING.

 

I am not required reading! I swear a lot, complain about my three kids, our four cats, my annoying husband, depression, anxiety, chronic health issues. I'm here for the personal mortification stories.

3 Comments

  • Cynthia White

    They’re just keeping you sharp and on your toes. So thoughtful! Those little motherdonkey cluckers. 😀

  • Lostdotter

    I love this! I will have to adopt the swearing schedule for my asshole cat. He loves to look sweet and then shred the curtains the moment your back is turned. The assmunch pigfucker!

  • Angela

    Girl, I hear you! We’ve got five cats (and I have a bad habit of bringing in strays to foster) and they’re up on the counter ALL the time. The other night I woke up to find a ziplock bag of muffins I’d left up there on the kitchen floor, torn apart… they are Gods in their own rights (or minds, rather) and demand sacrifice, I suppose…

    Also cockthistle is probably my new favorite swear word. The cats don’t seem to like it either, so all the more effective! 😀