Today I had my girlfriend who is a photographer come to the house and take pictures of all three kids outside. It was 10:30am, 95 degrees, and so humid that her lens kept fogging up. Also, that rain I’ve been bitching about? It made my back yard the consistency of a very saturated sponge. I had to get creative since it was an outdoor shoot to take advantage of all my flowers, and since I am SO bright I had put everyone in white. I know, I totally thought this one through.
So I get a vinyl table cloth and put my good white table cloth over it for them to sit on. It was either that or Pottery Barn Train sheets, and I figured all white was a lot more neutral. Also, for the first day in freaking eons, its bright and sunny, so the kids are looking over exposed. I had to hold an umbrella and this round shade thingie that she brought to keep them in the right lighting. They keep squinting and complaining about the heat. Too bad. I’m going to make some memories here, and you’re going to LIKE it, damn it!
So half way through the shoot one of her daughters, who is two and has similar allergies and digestive nightmares like Max poops her pants. IN my house. Her older sister comes out and announces this to us right when the kids are really in a groove and have opted to cooperate. Its getting hotter by the second and I am soaked in boob sweat so I know we’re running out of time. I volunteer to go handle the situation. I can tell she is mortified, but really, its not anything I don’t see every day, a dozen times a day with Max, so I am unfazed. When the shit covered toddler comes upstairs I see that its about the texture of warmed whipped cream. Its bubbled up the back of her underwear, oozed out the legs and covered her dress. Her older sister informs me that there are considerable amounts on my playroom carpet as well. Oh! Bonus! I take her into the tub, scrub her down, dress her in her emergency outfit and her Mom comes in horrified and thankful that I’d helped her. It surprised me while I was bathing her that I wasn’t even bothered. I have been in so deep with these poop issues with Max for so long that its not even irritating any more, its like washing my hands. Habit. I even told my girlfriend I was happy to sit for her any time. She seemed confused.
After we’re poop free and we resume pictures Ainsley vomited her breakfast onto her white dress, but mercifully on the lower part so we could barely see it. Time for an outfit change, a black tutu, monarch wings and antenna. Adorable, over the top, but HEY, I had two boys first. There are never enough foo foo items to buy, force the child to wear, and take umpteen photos of. She lasted, and was well behaved and I think we actually had GOOD shots of her. At some point during the process I had called out in desperation that if they would JUST cooperate and JUST not smother their sister then I would take them to McDonalds to eat and play after we were done. So of course, on the one day I’d rather stay home, they behave and earn the reward.
We get to McDonalds, the kids eat well, then go to the playland. I settle in and I begin hearing screeching that is so irritating it would peel paint off the walls. After several minutes of waiting for any of the many parents sitting around to lay down some ground rules for their children I see that I am going to have to take matters into my own hands. I climb up into the upper area and announce that the next child to scream will be sitting in time out, on their bootie with their back against the wall. Some of them looked shocked, one girl said “whatever” and I light into her. When I came down I faced the wrath of the 400 pound daycare provider that I had seen pull up in a five seater Ford Tempo with NINE children. Booster seats you ask? No, I think not. She didn’t speak to me directly, oh no. She complained on her Trac-Phone to her invisible friend about the raving bitch who was bossing around HER kids. “Well, they’re just havin’ a good ‘ol time and she thanks [thinks] she kin [can] jus [just] cum [come] on in hair [here] and take over!” Her friend commiserated with her for some time until she moved on to new topics, such as using her sister’s medicaid to have her many teeth fixed for free (she seemed to be missing several and what was left didn’t look as though it planned to stay for long) and how she’d discovered if she took all the daycare kids with her to the food pantry and claimed to be totally out of food, she could easily set stocked up for a good week or two for free. She planned on making this a monthly event. She highly recommended her friend borrow someone else’s kids, have them flash a pitiful face, and get some free grub.